[Question #11844] Help and advice for future.

12 months ago

So unfortunately I find myself back and needing some advice. My situation is different then before as well as my life has changed. About 8 months ago I became single again, I’m 48 and have only had intercourse with two women my entire life. So entering back into the dating world about two months ago I met a women on an online dating site we talked and just saw each other casually for a while and then a month ago we went out and got intoxicated and ended up having unprotected sex , if I wasn’t drunk I never would have done this and regret it. We did discuss our status earlier in the relationship. She is 50 recently single said she is STD free and said she has only had 5 partners, and she’s the one that actually brought it up, so I have no reason to not believe her. We stopped seeing each other soon after as we both realized it wasn’t going to work out. I was mentally fine for a couple weeks and really didn’t think about it much but then two weeks ago my ex and I got back together and we had sex as well and after I started panicking and have been anxious about the other experience and if I should have tested myself and if I’ve made a huge mistake. I had and really still have no symptoms that I notice unless I start obsessing and then I start feeling tingling in my penis. I have bad anxiety and I’m scared to death that I’ve messed up bad. Please help and give me advice as to what to do. Thank you

H. Hunter Handsfield, MD

12 months ago

Welcome back to the forum. Thank you for your continued confidence in our services.

You describe a partner at very low risk for any and all STDs. Your age and hers are part of the reason: statistically, the frequency of gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis and others becomes very low beyond age 30-40. The reasons are not entirely clear, but they have to do with frequency of new partnerships, partial immunity due to past infection, and other social factors. Other infections are possible, of course, and there have been plenty of media stories about continued STD risk in seniors, but it remains an uncommon problem -- herpes and HPV probably are the main ones of concern. However, the chance of either of these also is very low. And I've never heard of a single case of HIV in a situation anything like yours.

For those reasons, I disagree that you have "messed up" in any way. All this sounds like entirely normal human behavior on both your part and hers! I really see no need for you to be tested for anything. However, if you remain concerned, you certainly could be tested. Why not discuss mutual testing with your partner? You might find she is just as concerned as you are -- perhaps you'd both like to have urine tests for gonorrhea/chlamydia and blood tests for syphilis and HIV. But this would be strictly for reassurance, not because of any serious risk.

I hope these comments are helpful. Let me know if anything isn't clear.

HHH, MD

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12 months ago

Thank you for your reply DR. Handsfield I truly appreciate it.

I just want to clarify one thing on my end and a couple of your responses.

1) when I said my “ex” and I got back together I was referring to my old girlfriend not the woman from the dating site and that is what made me worry about the woman I met in the dating site that I had unprotected sex with ( we are no longer in contact so I cant test with her) so that is what made me feel like I messed up. And I have zero worry about my old girlfriend because she has been with no one since we broke up and got back together.

2) you said you’ve never heard of a single case of HIV in a situation like mine … meaning a single encounter of unprotected sex with a person deemed as low risk is that correct?

3) in your opinion with the absence of any symptoms ( besides my mental anxiety) you feel there is no need for testing and i should be completely fine continuing regular sexual relations with my old girlfriend (not the dating site one) because since the one time I’ve been avoiding it with her due to being worried.

I hope that all makes sense

H. Hunter Handsfield, MD

12 months ago

1) Indeed I misunderstood. Thanks for the correction. However, it doesn't change much: you are free to be tested if the negative results would improve your confidence.

2) Meaning heterosexual contact between two people like you and that partner. Also, in the 20 years of this and our preceding forum, with thousands of questions from people concerned about HIV, nobody has yet told us they eventually tested positive. You won't be the first! If and when it finally happens, surely it will be from a genuinely high risk exposure: think unprotected anal between two men who have had 100 different partners.

3) Exactly right.

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12 months ago

Thank you so much for your response and reassurance! I truly do appreciate you providing this service and for your honest and knowledgeable responses.. it has done a lot to ease my anxiety and make me feel better. Thank you again!

H. Hunter Handsfield, MD

12 months ago

I'm glad to have helped. Thanks for the thanks.---