Dear Doctors Handsfield and Hook,

Thank you both so much for the service and help you provide.  I can't tell you how many times I have searched answers/advice from you both and how helpful it has been.  You're both life-savers, and please know that you're appreciated more than I can say.  I think I already know the answers to my questions, but I'm in a bad way these days, and it'd be worth any amount of money to have you confirm what I think I already know. 

Possible exposure: mutual masturbation with another male (I'm male - 56 years old).  Participated in this activity three times with same man.  He assured me he was hiv negative, but I have no proof and no way of knowing.  We masturbated ourselves and each other, and I'm assuming, at the very least, precum was involved and it got on my penis, although I'm not sure.  Let's just say, worst case scenario, he came and I used the cum for lube.  That really wasn't the case, but I want to try to alleviate all my fears regarding this situation.

I panicked soon after this exposure and began hiv testing through STD Express.  I've read everything I can about this company, and it seems legit, although in my anxiety driven state, I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps they maybe don't really test and just take the money and send random results.  That's probably ridiculous, but as you'll see, this is consuming my every thought.  Even as I'm typing this, my hands are shaking so badly I can barely type.

Here are the results from the 10 tests I have taken through them:  all negative, by the way, but I'll give you the rundown just the same.

12/27/12

1/13/13

4/3/13

7/24/13...  all of these were tests for HIV 1and 2 plus HIV 1 early detection DNA

Results:  HIV 1- antibody, value<1, range<1, result negative   HIV 1/0/2- Abs qual, value - non-reactive, range - non-reactive, result, negative

                HIV 1 - DNA value - negative, result negative

3/18/14

8/16/14

11/21/14

3/3/15....all of these tests were HIV1 and HIV 2 antibody tests.  No early detection.

According to STD Express, the antibody tests were 3rd generation.  The blood for these tests was taken at Labcorp.

6/31/15

9/30/15...these were labeled 4th generation by STD Express, but when I asked if they included the p24 test, the customer rep didn't seem to know.  They labeled them "HIV 1/2 4th Generation" on my order and on my results, so I don't know if they included the p24 or not.  The results for both of these was

Value - non-reactive

Range - non-reactive

Result - negative

The blood for these two tests was taken at Questlabs.  STD Express is now using them

Okay...despite this overwhelming evidence that I can  probably accept the results and move on, I can't.  I have been working with my family doctor for about a year now, and he has been a saving grace, just as you guys are!  He has told me on every occasion that first of all - there was absolutely NO risk to begin with, even if the other man was positive and even if ejaculate was used for lubricant and came incontact with my penis.  Again, this was not the case, but I want to think of every thing I can Just in case.  He has also told me that, while he would've tested me ONCE, if I had INSISTED, he would never have deemed it necessary other than for my piece of mind.  And, once he found out that I've tested 10 times, aside from telling me I'm nuts, he has assured me that I can absolutely rest knowing that whatever else is wrong with me, HIV is not the culprit.  On my last visit the other day, he suggested counseling, and I'm sure he's not wrong about that.  I'm not adverse to that idea at all - just want to rule out any chance of HIV before I go that route.  I asked if there was anything more I could do from a medical standpoint, and he assured me there wasn't.  His only suggestion was that if I couldn't accept what he was telling me, that he'd set me up with an infectious disease specialist.  He didn't mean to, but this caused a panic in me which is still going on today, even after he assured me that the ONLY reason he would suggest that was so I could have confirmation that there is NO way I'm the only person in the world to have ever contracted HIV from this kind of exposure, and to further assure me that I'm NOT the only person in the world who would continue to test negative and yet still be positive.  I calmed down a bit, but I told him that once he said that, it triggered this, "do you think I do have it and just am not testing positive?" dialogue, and he told me absolutely not.  He was just saying that he wanted to do his best to try and get rid of this crazy, guilt-driven, abnormal fear I have in the face of absolute proof, and he just was trying whatever he could to tell me to let it go.  I asked if it would be a waste of time, medically, to see anyone else, and he said that it would, indeed.  He assured me nothing would be different, the test results are never going to change, etc., he was just trying to tell me that if I couldn't accept his truths, there just wasn't much else to do.  Naturally, I got him to go over it all once again and to tell me what he thought - of course, it's the same thing he always tells me, which is that he's my doctor and he cares about me; he would NEVER tell me not to worry about something like this if he didn't truly believe it.  He's not worried at all about my physical well-being as far as potential HIV is concerned - he just wants me to quit putting myself through the torment I can't ease or rid myself of.  I trust him completely, even though it might not sound that way.  The first time I brought this whole matter up, he said virtually the exact same things that you guys always do. For a while, I was doing all right, but lately, it seems as if there's a new "symptom" every day, and I can't shake the fear that I am the one who, for whatever reason, has HIV but is never going to show it.

My biggest fear all along has been the possibility of infecting my wife.  We rarely have unprotected sex to begin with, but until I got the first 3 tests results back, I was particularly careful to ensure that we did not have unprotected sex.  I'm still worried that somehow I've infected her, which I think if probably ridiculous too.  My doctor has assured me that I was never at risk, even without a test, and therefore I couldn't have passed it to her.  Then, my latest fear was that perhaps she had it and I've caught it from her.  That was the reason for the very last test in September.  We had a brief, unprotected sexual encounter, so I waited 87 days and took the last test.  I wanted to wait a full 90, but once again, the anxiety wouldn't let me. 

I guess my question is, is there ANY chance of infection at this point?  I tested so many times because even though my wife and I do practice safe sex, I kept thinking even when we did, that was changing the testing window period, so I needed to do it again.  Again, that's why I took the last one in hopes of thinking that that encounter was the last unprotected event, and maybe now I can put it behind me. And, this is a stupid question, but would that last one more than "cover" the mutual masturbation episodes from before??

I won't go into all the symptoms I'm experiencing.  As I said, my doctor is convinced that while he believes I'm experiencing them, he continues to be convinced that it's all anxiety-induced.  It could very well be - the anxiety never completely goes away.  I'm just wondering how much that can affect me?  As I've said, I just keep thinking that I'm the exception to all the "rules" of HIV here.  I'm truly sorry to bother you all, and truly sorry for being so long - winded, but any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks again for all you do!