Also, the dancer was from Cuba (said she's been in the US for a year).  Does that impact the risk?

You really needn't be worried. STs including HIV are not known to be transmitted through clothing. If it ooccus, it is exceedingly rare -- and in our combined 70 person-years seeing patients in busy STD clinics, Dr. Hook and I have never seen anyone in whom this seemed to have occurred. Most likely, cloth fibers act as efficient filters that prevent passage of bacteria and viruses. For HIV in particular, there has never been a known sexually transmitted case without direct genital contact (unclothed), with penetration.

Cuba has an extremely low overall rate of HIV; its public health programs have been among the most effectie worldwide in HIV prevention. But even if your partner had HIV, there was no risk.

So I recommend no testing for HIV or any other STD on account of this event. Don't worry about it.

You do not owe us (or this forum's readers) any apologies or promises! On this forum, we don't judge anyone's behavior, as long as there is no evidence of non-consenting behavior, abuse of minors, or other potential harm to partners.

Best wishes and stay safe. Let me know if anything isn't clear.

HHH, MD

Thank you so much for the answer. I had some follow-up questions:

1) I read online that HIV cannot be transmitted without penetration. My questions related to this is: Is penetration actually possible through briefs and jeans, and if I penetrated, would I have felt it/known? The part that felt like penetration was when there was a lot of sudden pressure on my penis, like something with a sharp edge pressing down: it could just have been the dancer's pelvic bone grinding on me, or it could be the entrance to the vagina. I am honestly not sure. 

 However, another issue is whether you and your doctor should discuss your sexual relationship with your wife, and ask his advice about professional counseling.   The situation you describe is unfortunate and atypical.  However, this is not a marital counseling service, so I won't have anything more to say about it. 

1. Yesterday I felt a slight wound at the back of my head, that hurt when touched (beneath my hair). The dancer was a bit aggressive when she passed her hand through my hair a few times. It's possible she caused the wound. Could this be a risk? Say she had vaginal fluid/menstrual blood on her hands (she had a g-string on, but maybe she got it on her hands while adjusting them), and then she scratched me with those hands, possibly even causing some bleeding?

2. I ejaculated in my jeans in the end (the parade of embarrassments continues). Does this change anything? Maybe the vaginal fluid on my jeans got mixed with seminal fluid, creating a fluid passage-way of some sort?

3. I felt something on the dancer's back. It could have been a sore/cyst/lesion, which I touched with my fingers. Is this a risk?

Thanks a lot for your patience, Dr. Handsfield.

About the situation with my wife, I had never thought about counseling. I will seriously consider it. 

2) No, ejaculation (inside clothing or anywhere else) makes no difference. Even with unprotected sex, ejaculation would increase the woman's partner if you were infected, but has no effect on risk of the exposed male.

3) Also no risk.

That completes the two follow-up comments and replies included with each question and so ends this thread. Do your best to move on without worry about the event you have described, or about any similar events in the future. Ignore any more "what if" or "yes but" questions that may come to mind:  you can be sure they would not change the opinions or advice you would get on this forum.

My final word is to keep condoms handy. Given the overall situation, both with this kind of strip club event and the nature of your sexual relations at home, I think there's a fair chance you'll end up having sex with a non-marital partner someday, and you should be prepared ahead of time.

I hope the conversation has been helpfu. Best wishes.