[Question #3969] Very worried about partnet

32 months ago

I realize I am returning to themes from an earlier question, but there are new facts involved. I again acknowledge my anxiety.

Approximately seven months ago, I had unprotected oral and protected vaginal sex with three (high priced and by appointment) commercial sex workers in a two week period of time. I have only had sex with my parter since that time.

I had tested negative for all STIs immediately prior to this period, but have not been tested since. I have just been for testing two days ago and am waiting for the results.

I have not experienced any STI symptoms myself. I have continued to have unprotected sex with my partner, albeit fairly infrequently. I would estimate we have had sex perhaps 12 times over the seven months since.

Approximately two weeks ago my partner developed lower back pain that she believes is kidney pain along with frequent urination. Those are her only symptoms (no fever, discharge, etc.)

She has tested negative for UTI and her blood work did not show anything her doctor was concerned about. Her doctor has ordered a urine culture and she is expecting that result next week.

I have been obsessing over the possibility that I passed on a STI that is causing her current symptoms and am very worried about her health. I would of course disclose my stupid actions to her if it would help her at all to deal with her current situation.

Could you please give me a realistic assessment of my worry? 
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
32 months ago
Welcome back. You needn't apologize for returning after over a year.

On the other hand, I have to say these questions were answered, directly or indirectly, in our previous discussion. You had safe sex for your escort exposures, since condoms work in vaginal sex and oral sex is inherently safe, with low risk for all STDs and zero risk for some. And it sounds like your extramarital partners are low risk:  most escorts (expensive female sex workers by appointment) know the score, keep safe (most of their partners are low risk, i.e. men like you), get tested often, and are generally believed to have low frequencies of most STDs. Further, your lack of symptoms is good evidence you have no STD that could possibly cause your wife's symptoms.

And once again you have made the mistake of assuming symptoms in your partner might be due to an STD. However, no STD causes flank pain with frequent urination. She was smart to see her doctor, and it's good to hear a UTI has been nearly ruled out (pending the culture result) -- but that doesn't mean an STD is any more likely. You needn't say anything to your wife or her doctor about your non-marital sex life.

Any and all people who are sexually active outside committed, mutually exclusive relationships should be tested from time to time (e.g. once a year) for common STDs. On that basis, you should consider having a urine test for gonorrhea and chlamydia and blood tests for HIV and syphilis. But that's just general advice, plus I suspect the negative results would help relieve some of your anxiety over your sexual choices and your wife's symptoms. But I don't suggest it on account of your wife's symptoms; I would say the same to any person with your sexual lifestyle.

I hope this information is helpful. Let me know if anything isn't clear. Best wishes and stay safe, as you have been--