[Question #4785] extremely anxious

79 months ago

Hello Dr Hook and Dr Handsfield. I am sorry to have returned to this forum. I refer to my question posted in august 2018 about my encounter with a CSW in Hong Kong. Dr Hook had replied to that post confirming that the risk was effectively zero and that I can resume unprotected sex with my wife. However, anxiety is getting the better of me again after I read some of Dr Handsfield’s answers posted by other users. In one of the posts, Dr Handsfield has written that there have been rare cases of people contracting HIV despite condom protection, probably due to undetected condom slippage or breakage or due to mis-reporting the encounters and missing out details. In one of the other posts, Dr Handsfield has also written that no vaginal sex is 100% safe. However, I have also read one of Dr Handsfield’s reassuring posts confirming that if there is NO unprotected vaginal or anal sex, there is NO reason to be worried about HIV.

In relation to my post in August 2018 (replied by Dr Hook) in question, the only thing I have to add is that the condom was provided by the CSW. It was not my condom so I am not sure if it was expired or not. The REST of the DETAILS OF THE ENCOUNTER REMAIN THE SAME.

I also went back to my HIV exposure scenarios posted in October 2018, where Dr Handsfield mentions that there is no reported case where HIV was contracted by protected intercourse. However, he also mentions that undetected condom failures sometimes happen. I am not sure what undetected failure would mean. My description of this PARTICULAR encounter stays the same, except my query on the condom being provided by CSW (paragraph above) and the expiry date. Can I ask again if I am at any risk at all?

Since October 2018, I did not have any penetrative exposure with anyone else, except my wife. However, I did get a protected blowjob by a South American CSW in Madrid in October. The condom again was provided by the CSW and the blowjob was vigorous for about 10 mins. Before climaxing, I asked her to remove the condom and I climaxed on her upper body and she then briefly rubbed the opening of my penis on her nipple. The condom felt tight during the encounter but I do no recollect the condom breaking apart (referring back to Dr Hook’s answer in August that condoms do not fail but break apart and that it fairly evident). I spoke to this CSW after cleaning up and she said that she makes sure that all her customers wear protection all the time and that she is very strict about this.

The next day, I had one more exposure with another South American CSW in Madrid but there was no oral sex. There was a brief lick on the penis but I asked her to stop as there was no condom. I climaxed on my own body which she cleaned up.

My anxiety is getting the better of me and I need your help in assessing the risks. I am sorry for making this post long. I have since then sworn on god not to visit any CSWs ever!

H. Hunter Handsfield, MD

79 months ago

Sorry that once again your anxieties are getting the better of you. These questions almost exactly duplicate the ones you asked in your three previous threads. In those, "Dr. Hook and I explained the low risk of HIV and all STDs in the absence of unprotected sex with penetration. That simple fact really addresses most of what you ask this time around." I put that in quotes because it is exactly what I wrote in the opening of your most recent previous thread a few montsh ago.

Now one difference is that you are asking about the safety of a condom that apparently you did not purchase yourself. What difference do you imagine that might possibly make? There is no such thing as condoms that allow infection to pass through latex, polyurethane, etc. If the condom did not break wide open, protection was complete, no matter what the condom was made of (including natural membrane condoms), what lubricant was used, etc.

You also have been previously told about the low risk of oral sex for HIV infection. I have nothing more to say about that.

In summary, all the events listed above were extremely low to zero risk for HIV and other STDs. If you remain concerned about it, get tested -- but there is nothing more we can add. If you feel this reply doesn't respond to your questions in sufficient detail, I would suggest you go back and carefully re-read Dr. Hook's and my replies to your three previous quesitons (no's 3590, 4190, 4356). The answers are there. It should not be necessary for you to ask again about nearly identical types of exposure that have already been discussed.

Please note the forum does not permit repeated questions on the same topic or exposure. This will have to be your last one; future new questions of this sort and your fears about HIV may receive no reply, in which case the posting fee will not be refunded. This policy is based on compassion, not criticism, and to reduce temptations to keep paying for questions with obvious answers. In addition, experience shows that continued answers tend to prolong users' anxieties rather than reducing them. Finally, such questions have little educational value for other users, one of the forum's main purposes. Thanks for your understanding.

Final advice: Stop searching the internet about these issues. As for many anxious and uncertain persons, you are being attracted to information that inflames your fears and missing the reassuring information that also can be found. Learning that someone believes a particular rare event led to HIV ("I'm sure I caught HIV even though the condom seemed to work") are to be entirely ignored as unreliable and unhelpful, and not reflecting actual risks.

Really, mellow out. You are pursuing entirely safe sex outside your marriage. If your current practices don't change, you'll never have HIV. So no need to ask again about it. OK?

HHH, MD

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79 months ago

I am sorry Dr Handsfield. I certainly didn’t mean any offence. I was just trying to address some new pieces of information which laymen like me get anxious about. Nowhere, in my knowledge, was there any oral sex without protection in any of the encounters. I should have added that the protected blwojob in Madrid ended with a handjob when I was about to climax and therefore (if the condom stayed intact which I believe it did) there was never any oral sex received without protection, apart from the slight nipple contact as mentioned. This is separate to your reassuring post about protected sex that Dr Hook and you have already addressed. As a closing note, I am taking away that I can continue to have unprotected sex with my wife and there is effectively zero risk for HIV (?). I assure you that there will be no further posts after your reply to this as I have anyways changed my wrong ways for good. I am too paranoid to continue seeking sex outside my marriage!

79 months ago

Hello Doctor. I am sorry for this follow up. I know that you are extremely busy with other questions but I wanted to end this thread with a final answer that I am awaiting from you. Apologise for the follow up. Thanks for the great work on this platform.

H. Hunter Handsfield, MD

79 months ago

Sorry fo the delayed reply. The additional information does not change my evaluation or advice. You correctly understand and it is safe to continue unprotected sex with your wife.

Given your anxieties about extramarital sex, I agree it is wise for you to stop. As they say, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. However, if you do find yourself with similar exposures in the future, please do not ask about risks from any contact other than unprotected intercourse. No need to ask again about HIV risk from oral sex, hand-genital contact, or any other kind of contact other than intercourse.

Best wishes and stay safe.

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