I am a 32 year old woman. I have been in a monogamous relationship with a 34 year old man for about 9 months. We were best friends in high school and reconnected last summer in 2020 and began dating. I went out of town last week and yesterday I was looking through his phone and saw a photo of an anus with something placed inside it. At first it looked like a woman’s anus but I think my mind began playing tricks on me and convinced me it was his. I confronted him and accused him of being secretly gay. He denied it was his anus in the photo. He swore it was an internet meme but refused to show me the photo saying ‘it wasn’t meant for me to see’ and quickly deleted it.

We have an honest relationship. We tried anal play on him once earlier into the relationship: his penis went flaccid and he didn’t like it and asked me to stop. He told me he’s been with 5 women before me (4 of those being a monogamous relationship) and I have no reason to believe he’s ever cheated on me. We’ve been having unprotected vaginal sex the duration of our relationship and have had anal sex twice (first time for me). He’s never been in prison, or an intravenous drug user and, like I said, to my knowledge he’s only been with women. When I met him, he had condoms in his room (so he practices safe sex) and he has hypochondria because he beat cancer 4 years ago. My anxiety is telling me he’s secretly gay, has HIV and now I have it. We’ve spoken since then and I’ve told him we need to talk about the situation and he’s just said there’s nothing to discuss.

I do suffer from anxiety and I catastrophize situations often. I was just going through a depressive episode yesterday and then I saw the photo so I don’t know if it’s a real threat or my mind is getting the best of me. Please help.

I was looking through his phone to find a picture of us. I looked through the albums that were throughout the duration of our relationship and couldn’t find it. It led me to the ‘deleted album’ in which I saw the picture of the anus in which he claims was not his.

Yes, we are both health-conscious. I do suffer from anxiety, specifically sexual guilt so I find myself questioning anyone I’ve just as much as kissed. I tend to question my partner when I feel as though the relationship may be on its last leg (it has nothing to do with trust issues in this case, it’s just me being bored and wanting out of the relationship). Throughout the relationship, I never questioned these things but when I know the relationship is over, I begin to convince myself that my partner has an STD and has passed it to me. I always convince myself it’s not just an STI, that it’s HIV. I’ve done this for about 15 years. 

When I saw the photo yesterday, I was already just having a depressive week so it compiled on each other. His not wanting to discuss things further is just how he deals with everything (but of course that doesn’t help my anxiety because it makes my brain think he’s lying). When I tried to discuss it, he said it was just an internet meme.

I then just assumed “omg what if he’s cheating on me with a man? What if he has HIV and gave it to me?”. I know it sounds crazy but my anxiety is just getting worse over time.

Should I wait for an STI test during my yearly exam or is this a matter I should address immediately?