[Question #908] Help please - risk

50 months ago
Hi doctors,

Please, I need your help and advice. 

30 male, married and made a big mistake. 

I met up with a woman and the following occurred:
- I fingered bet deeply with one hands (3 fingers)
- I sucked her nipple
- she fingered my ass/ prostate massage. No gloves. Used a paste like lube. 
- she stoked my penis, used saliva as lube. 
-  she used a dildo on me. No condom on it, but no reason to think it had just been used. No discomfort or bleeding.  Used paste like lube.  
- was no kissing, no oral sex, no genital on genital contact.  
- no noticeable sores or anything like that on her
- no noticeable cuts on her hand
- no cuts on my hand. Though my nails are cut back far. 
- per her, she's only had one partner in last 6 months. That partner was only with one girl and one guy (oral) in the last year.   She said she is clean as far as she knows. 

So, clearly a huge mistake and I am very concerned about all forms of stds and sti's, whitlow, hpv, hiv hsv. 

This happened 48 hrs ago and I am now avoiding contact with my wife.  I can't keep that up long. 

What is my risk level?  Do I need to continue avoiding my wife?  Help please.   I'm so sorry. 
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
50 months ago
Welcome to the forum. Thanks for your question.

This event may have been a "big mistake" for you emotionally. But it was not a "mistake" from an STD risk standpoint. None of the specific exposures you mention carries any significant risk of any STD. And in any case, most people in this situation do not lie about their sexual exposures and risks, and it seems very unlikely your partner had any active STD. By far the main infection risk from this event was for your partner, due to her anally fingering you, which put her at risk of intestinal infections if you happened to have any gastrointestinal viruses or other infections at the time. Also, any close contact of this kind can risk transmission of common colds, influenza, etc.

Accordingly, there is no reason to avoid sex with your wife or to be tested for HIV or any STD. I recommend you chalk this up to experience. Mentally separate the emotional aspects of a sexual decision you regret from infection risks; they aren't the same. Deal with the former as you need to (which for some men would include discussing it with their wife) but don't worry about the latter.

I hope this has been helpful. Best wishes--  HHH, MD

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50 months ago
Thank you - helped  immensely. 

Only follow up is truly a hypothetical - to your point it is unlikely she had any active std/Sti.   Does your risk assessment and recommendation change in a material way if she was unaware she had sti/std?  My added bit of concern there is that her last bf had at least some bisexual activity.  

In any case...  I agree and need to see a counselor on the emotional side. Still cannot believe I took this action and I need to resolve that.  Your advice thus far has certainly helped. 

Thank you again and sorry for this follow up question. 


H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
50 months ago
All STDs can be asymptomatic all or much of the time. But still, absence of symptoms lowers the chance any particular person is infected, so this issue doesn't change my assessment or advice. Her risk could be a bit higher than other women's owing to her former partner's bisexuality. But still, most women with the partner numbers she states and/or who are "clean as far as she knows" indeed have no active infections. And as noted, the risk was nil for all practical purposes even if she was infected.

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50 months ago
Thank you. 

And I assume slightly loose stool and some whiteness on tongue (mine is usually slightly white - just seems like a bit more than usual) are likely due to psycological/stress?

Thanks again. Great service. 
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
H. Hunter Handsfield, MD
50 months ago
No STD causes such symptoms; and since there was no STD risk, that can't explain any symptoms. Perhaps psychological, but you're a better judge of that than I can be from this distance.

That completes the two follow-up comments and replies included with each question, so ends this thread. You can move on without worry. Take care and stay safe.

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